Medical Alert!!!!

It is most important that you read this emergency Update!!!!

“Tis The Season"

Hayville: This is the time of year for Colds and Flu. Unfortunately most people do not know how to tell one from the other. One basic way to tell is take your temperature and if you have a fever of 2 degrees or higher it is probably the flu if it isn't a cold. Waiting 2 weeks will definitely tell because if it is a cold you will be well and if it is the flu you'll be dead,

Also, the Hayville Surgeon General wishes to post this new Medical Alert:

"Dear Reader, in a poor economy everyone seems to  be trying to recycle almost everything including toilet paper. Just yesterday, I saw some drying on the cloths line and felt it necessary to post this warning. Wash and dry toilet paper poses no immediate health issues and this is the preferred way to recycle it. However, there are some who are trying to get a third use from it by blowing their nose before they wipe their butt and this practice must immediately stop."

"It has been medically proven that wiping your butt after blowing your nose is the leading cause of butt sneezes, which are hard to distinguish from actual farts. However, there is hope because just like you can distinguish between Flu and Cold with a little knowledge, you can distinguish between a butt sneeze and a fart."

1. If you hear what sounds like a fart but don't smell an odor, it was probably a butt sneeze, otherwise it was most definitely possibly a fart.

2. If you hear the sound and feel a lump in your pants, that was a butt sneeze. Scientifically speaking, farts are not solids. (Note: If you do not hear the sound, then you don't have a fart or butt sneeze. You simply crapped your underwear.)

3. If you hear more than 2 in a row, get out of the area because that person has a severe case of butt sneeze and it is not medically established that butt sneezing cannot be transferred as an air borne disease.

"If you think you have butt sneezing, see your doctor immediately, as prolong butt sneezing can cause other complications. With a simple and painless check, any medical professional should be able to tell and just like prostrate test we give you the common sense warning that if during the testing you feel a hand on both shoulders, you may want to change doctors."